What Might Have Been

Okay, I need to make a confession. I HATE FACEBOOK. No, not for all the normal reasons that people dislike it. I dislike it for the way it makes me feel. Let me explain: when I go on Facebook, I basically have a panic attack and I almost always end up breaking down in tears. Why? Because of what I see on there. I see pictures/updates/happy news of people I used to be friends with, having the time of their lives. And here I am, no college degree, no immediate exciting career plans, no place to live in a little over a month, one great friend who is married and always super busy, 2 somewhat-close friends who are in relationships and also always super busy - basically, miserable and alone.

But, I have no one to blame but myself. It is my fault. I basically walked away from them (my college friends). I became extremely depressed and enmeshed in my ED my junior/senior years of college, and I pretty much slept through my senior year (hence, why no degree). I barely interacted with my roommates, I barely went to my classes let alone out on weekends, and then I just up and left the apartment, moved without barely saying anything to anyone.

So, you see, I did this to myself.

I sent several of my old friends a group email a few months ago. Well, actually over six months ago. One of the 7 people I sent the email to responded, and she was the one I was the least friends with. I was so incredibly hurt that no one else ever responded that I didn't even respond to her. I just couldn't. I got the emails off (yep, you guessed it!) Facebook. Could the emails have been incorrect? Possibly. Is it likely that ALL of the rest of the emails were incorrect? Very unlikely.

I understand that I probably hurt them. Actually, I'm positive that I did. And, I truly feel bad about that. But I was hurting too, and I didn't know how to express that. And now, I am stuck with these thoughts of 'what might have been'. I avoid Facebook like the plague, even when people ask me to post pictures I have taken or to Facebook them to make plans. And, once every couple months I go on, and it ends in a ruined day.

The logical part of my brain says, "But you were SICK. You can't help that. You are doing better now, you can make new friends, you can be really happy again." But the ED/depressed part of my brain says, "They never really liked you anyway, they were glad you disappeared. They got your email, laughed amongst each other, and made a group decision to ignore you. I mean, really, you think ALL those emails were wrong? They never cared about you - they would have called/wrote/emailed if they did. See, you aren't worthy of friends. You are a horrible human being. Just keep starving and one day you will disappear. You are wasting perfectly good air that someone worthy could breathe." And on, and on, and on.

I actually went on Facebook today to wish one of the ones I emailed a happy birthday, but I realized I got the date wrong and it isn't until later this week. I'm contemplating still doing that, so that I can maybe open the door to reestablishing a friendship with her. I also was pretty close to her current roommate, and I thought about posting on her wall to see if she wanted to get together soon for lunch or something. But then, what if I never hear back from them? REJECTED, just stamp that on my forehead. Can I handle that? But at least then it won't be a mystery.

I don't know what to do. All I know is, I need to do something. I can't live like this. And there are several people who I would like to keep in touch with on Facebook, people who moved out-of-town, but I can't because of my extreme aversion to all things Facebook. I don't like this stupid website having this much control over my life. But I just don't know how to NOT have a negative reaction when just thinking about logging on.

What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.